If you are like most parents, you are very involved in the lives
of your children. You know their friends; you haul them around
to all their after-school activities; you can name their current
favorite song and what they most like to eat; and you talk together
about things that truly matter. You may have even purchased a
cell phone for them in order to stay in touch several times a
day.
Imagine all of that coming to an abrupt halt overnight!
No, I'm not talking about some kind of disaster; I'm
talking about what it will be like when your child goes to away
to camp. Suddenly the house may feel very quiet and empty! I
say this because camp is going to bring about a temporary, but
major shift in your relationship with your child. In short order,
you are going to have some extra time on your hands. In all of
the things I've seen written about helping parents prepare
for camp, most focus on what to bring, what to buy—and
maybe a little on what to say to prepare your child emotionally.
But few if any talk about what you as a parent can do to prepare
for this important separation.
Not that being away from your child is all bad. Many parents
secretly covet the time they will have for themselves, mildly
guilty that they might just enjoy this peace and quiet and the
respite from all the responsibility! Whatever your feelings,
it is important to recognize just what they are so you convey
the message you wish to convey—a message that assures your
child that this choice called camp is a wholesome, healthy opportunity.
You see, children know. They can tell by the hesitation in your
voice or the look on your face or by the number of times you
ask them how they think they're going to feel being away
from home. (Isn't it funny how asking a question can actually
be making a statement?) And if you aren't truly ready,
your children will know, and they won't be able to go without
being homesick, without being worried about you and whether the
two of you can survive apart from one another—or worried
about whether the program they elected to join is really as good
for them as you say.
So what can you do? First, talk with a friend or spouse about
it. What are you feeling? What was the reason for sending your
child to camp in the first place? Having an outside perspective
can help us look more evenly at our own.
Second, think about what your child will gain. Yes, they may
be a little nervous at first, but they will be making new friends
and growing in many ways. And the learning is not restricted
to things like an improved tennis game or swim stroke. The learning
comes from the priceless experience of being on their own—full
of themselves and thriving in a safe environment that encourages
healthy risk-taking. In other words, they will be learning to
cope. What greater ability to endow a child with in this day
and age?
Third, if you want to deepen your own growth, read Wendy Mogel's
book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee (Penguin Compass Books,
2001). It is an elegant argument for the value of learning from
the inevitable pains and setbacks of life. Dr. Mogel's
aim is to help parents raise children with greater resilience,
respect, and sense of coping.
And finally, reflect on what message you send if you don't
resolve your own feelings about letting your child go. Your children
will scan your face to get the answers to questions like, "Do
you think I can possibly learn to cope in the world?" "Do
you believe in me?" "Are you going to be okay without
me?" "Am I going to be okay without you?"
As you reflect on this, trust that the connection you have with
your child doesn't break or evaporate when you are physically
apart. Everything you have taught them is there. Having anxiety
or sadness about seeing them off is entirely reasonable and understandable.
How can you love your kids and not have some feelings like these?
Yet, one of the most valuable lessons we as adults can model
for our children is that even in the face of our feelings, no
matter how strong, we do what is best ("yes, I love and
care about you! . . . and I can let you go!") What
a great life lesson for them to have!
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