By Stephen Wallace, M.S. Ed.
So-called "helicopter parents" have been recently
criticized in the popular press for hovering over their adolescent
children, hyper-involving themselves in young lives more
in need of independence than nurturing. Such recriminations
follow on the heels of studies suggesting that parents are
not paying enough attention to teens, thus spawning an epidemic
of destructive behavior.
So, who's a parent to believe?
Encouragingly, new Teens Today research from SADD (Students
Against Destructive Decisions) and Liberty Mutual Group suggests
a middle course, pointing parents towards paying attention
to the right things at the right times.
There is no question that as young people turn the corner
from childhood to adolescence they have innate needs for
both space and independence. Each fuels an important
developmental quest for personal identity and a peer group
with which to assimilate. But neither requires the
emotional abandonment that often accompanies the teenage
years.
In truth, teens very much want some signal that the adults
in their lives notice – and appreciate – their
advancing maturity. Yet in the midst of the modern-day,
frenetic American pace, we either forget or simply fail to
provide the meaningful, ritualistic celebrations of transition
to newfound independence and responsibility to the
family and community that marked transition for earlier generations.
According to Teens Today, almost half of high school students
(42 percent) and more than one quarter of middle school students
(30 percent) say Mom and Dad aren't recognizing their
important milestones.
The result? Teens whose parents pay the least attention
to important adolescent transitions, such as puberty, school
changes, and key birthdays, are more likely to engage in
high-risk behaviors, including drinking, drug use, early
sexual intercourse, and dangerous driving. They are
also more likely to feel stressed and depressed.
It seems clear that, absent reasonable recognition of their
advancement, many teens simply make up their own rites of
passage, seeking alternative routes to "maturity" that
frequently include destructive choices.
Alarmingly, these are choices parents often don't
know about.
Matching self-reported activities of teens with the perceptions
of their parents, the new Teens Today research confirms earlier
findings of a "reality gap" that leaves many
families frighteningly disconnected. For example, compared
to what their own parents say about them, high school teens
are:
- Eight times more likely to say they drink alcohol;
- Four times more likely to say they use drugs; and
- Two times more likely to say they have had sex.
It's time to bridge the gap.
Traditional recognitions of passage prompt the type of parent-teen
dialogue proven to reduce the likelihood of underage drinking,
drug use, early intimate sexual behavior, and risky driving.
They also link generations through tangible acknowledgements
of physical and sometimes subtle social and emotional change.
Just as important, marking important steps in adolescent
lives helps teens build bridges between whom they were, whom
they are, and whom they are becoming – crystallizing
their search for purpose while preparing them for a less
egocentric, more collectivist role in society.
Here's what parents can do.
Identify significant transitions.
Figuring out which transitions are most important to your
teen is a critical first step. What "counts" for
one teen (e.g.,
turning sixteen, getting a first job, going on a first date,
receiving a driver's license) may not matter much to
another.
Communicate about and celebrate important life
events.
Sending the message, whether through dialogue or a special
time together, that you are "dialed in" to your
teen as he takes significant steps toward adulthood is an
important way to say, "I love you, I care about you,
and I see that you are growing up!"
Encourage teens to explore healthy growth opportunities.
Supporting your teen's involvement in structured activities
embedded with real opportunities for achievement and reward
will help her climb the rungs toward – and find initiation
into –
adulthood.
Six years of Teens Today research make clear the incredibly
influential role that parents and other caring adults can
play in guiding teens toward safe, healthy choices. This
latest report provides even clearer examples of how – underscoring
the payoff for paying attention.
Chopper up.
© Summit Communications Management Corporation
2006
All Rights Reserved
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